PATRICK MCVAY

WRITER

White Sale

Like you, I’m really curious about what happens with Whitehouse furniture and accessories when there is a change in presidents. Not counting my chickens before they hatch, heh heh, but someone better be thinking about this. I don’t want the transfer of power to be held up thanks to a lack of foresight on packing up the former – ack!, excuse me, current – “President.”

"Sorry, the family isn't fully packed up yet." 

Too effing bad. You're out. 

Also, what’s swapped out and what isn’t? I imagine Joe and Jill Biden would be expected to eat off the same plates, insert the same forks into their mouths, and nestle their buttocks into the same dining room upholstery imprints that Donald and Melania Trump have been avialing themselves of until the day of the inauguration. I mean, we’re not getting new furniture every time there is a change of presidents, are we?

On the other hand, there's bound to be leftover coronavirus-goo on the dining room chairs. If I were offered a free weekend vacation in the Whitehouse just after the Trumps departed, to be honest I’d pass. Sorry, but not worth it!

If there is a change in presidents (please, please) I’d recommend that the Bidens discard the  linens. That’s just me from my little perch here in the layperson peanut gallery. I certainly don’t speak for Anthony Fauci, but I’ll bet “The Fouch” would endorse that plan, plus recommend a week or so of time between first families in order to properly fumigate the place. If every surface has to be wiped down, every sheet and towel disinfected, and every mattress inspected for party stains, it’s going to take time.

What about the toilet paper? Is Jill Biden supposed to draw off the same roll of TP that Donald Trump was using earlier that same day? Did anyone bother to take off the last few sheets and create a triangular fold, like they do in the very high-class establishments I routinely stay in?

And what about the second wave of toilet paper deficit? And the “Toilet Paper War”? Yeah, sounds comical, but there are a lot of guns out there, and I expect a war over toilet paper if this pandemic gets much worse.

Lots to consider. 

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In Times Of Uncertainty, There's Still Beer

Were it not for the impossibility of it, or maybe my lack of entrepreneurship, by now I’d have invented a beer machine. I don’t mean a machine that requires you to steep grains and boil wort and add hops at specific times and take gravity readings, but a truly magical machine into which you add water and maybe a few dry ingredients, set it, and forget it. Two weeks later, you’ve got an effervescent concoction on tap that makes friends and family euphoric.

I needn’t tell you, a voter (hopefully) and maybe even a beer drinker (surely), how important both beer and voting are to our democracy. Voting is the ultimate expression of our citizenship rights; beer soothes the burn when the dink the opposing party has inexplicably nominated somehow bests your sensible candidate.

I’ll be honest and say that I’ve been steeling myself against another improbable victory by President Conspiracy Theory by enjoying a beer every now and again. I’m also planning to tap an ale or two post-vote as a celebratory beverage, or maybe to drown my sorrows.

Good ol’ beer. It’s that versatile.

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The Future Of My Tweets

I don’t tweet very often, but that’s going to change. Soon I’m going to tweet the bejesus out of you and everyone else, and when I do it’s going to be tremendously interesting and also good for America. My friends are going to love it, even as I humiliate them. I’ve already got a few tweets cued up.

  • Hilarious that “Scrambly” Bob is keeps tweeting out the false claim that I like scrambled eggs. I’m not the scrambled one, he is! Do you see the way his handlers refuse to allow him to talk about scrambled eggs? Probably afraid that he’s going to scramble his way through the conversation. Really sick.
  • I mention that I’m golfing and now old More Salt Than Pepper Steve starts blabbing about his golf game. “Shot an 82.” What, nine holes on a par 3 course? Play one of my courses and see if you can break 100, Old Salty. (And then have a meal at one of my fine restaurants.)
  • “Veggie” Tim goes on the record as saying that I eat too much meat. Even though my meat eating is partially fueling the cattle industry’s economic recovery. IT’S BEEFY ECONOMIC PATRIOTISM TIM! Meanwhile Tim doesn’t eat his allotted portion of meat, causing a drop in demand and a drop in prices. And there are stories out there – some good people claim they have first-hand knowledge – that he’s hunting exotic animals with a chef hiding in the shadows to butcher and serve the delicacies he shoots up. Vile!
  • Dirty Howard’s going nuts! He calls me dirty because I dig holes in my yard, while he spends his days up at the cabins riding jet skis, and by night he sits in the shadows and stares into the fire. Like baiting hooks with LEECHES and hauling in crappies is “clean”! Get a life, you dirty loser!
  • Failures like Mark keep promoting TOTAL HOAX BS STORIES claiming that I disparage military veterans. We all know that he’s disgruntled because he wanted a job and I wouldn’t endorse him. TOTAL SUCKER!

I think this will be really good for our relationship.

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Electioneering

Did you know that there is a national election happening on the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November 2020? Apparently, the president himself is up for reelection (who knew?), and I‘ve come into some inside information on his political strategy.

First, he plans to tout his cool-headedness in difficult times. His campaign manager is going to stress at every turn that he has an incredible knack for calming the waters when everything has gone completely to shit. Just when it seems like everything is dark and dreary and you want to curl up and die, this man tickles you with bits of accessible poetry not more than 280 characters in length. He loves to take to the airwaves with messages of hope and unity, instilling in you a sense of duty and pride in acting for the collective good. His voice is like a soothing balm on a sore joint. Makes you feel warm inside.

Or they could try to make a case for him being honest, with a homespun “just-the-facts” manner of communicating and a humility that renders him unable to take credit for almost anything. Everyman interviews on Main Street U.S.A. will call him “refreshing!” and “just what the doctor ordered.”

And none of this nonsense where politicians denigrate the office with cheap shots at opponents and use daily COVID-19 press conferences, ostensibly meant to inform the American public about plans for battling the pandemic, to pat themselves on the back and promote their own political aims.

Put it this way, those are the qualities I’m looking for in a candidate.

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J'Biden Era Haikuage

 

People's Arms. That's right!

200 million shots

In 100 days

 

We are good people

But we still have far to go

Repair. Restore. Heal.

 

There's nothing new here

The Affordable Care Act

We're restoring it 

 

America's Day

Democracy is fragile

The world is watching 

 

Strategy is based

On Science, not politics

Truth, not denial

 

 

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