I recently was given access to proprietary algorithmic data suggesting that I don’t win quite as many of life’s puck battles as the mainstream media would have you believe.
You’re surprised. I know, a lot of people are. You can’t help but notice that I have just the right physique to win puck battles all over this great hemisphere of ours – the greatest hemisphere in the world! Let’s all stand up and sing God Bless Our Hemisphere.
OK back to my failure to win pucks. What’s it all mean? Well, it either means that I’ve gone soft, or the data is wrong. And if you ask me, the data is wrong. Maybe it wasn’t proprietary algorithmic data at all but just fake news. Maybe I do win my fair share of puck battles.
Makes you think.
It’s time for media outlets to do away with all the pundits, political journalists, and other experts on their payrolls and from here on out do interviews only with “likely voters.” These average Joes are so strident and self-assured about their uninformed positions that it’s completely refreshing.
That they don’t get mired in the complexities of issues makes them even more lovable. Political types are always trying to confuse and complicate, when all you need to know is who is going to raise taxes, who is rigging the system, and who isn’t afraid to use our country’s ample supply of nukes to wipe out whole nations.
Also, pundits continually fail to mention who Jesus would be voting for if he decided to come back to earth. The average voter always knows Jesus’s positions and votes accordingly.
Jessica from Miami, Ralph from Iowa, Peter from Idaho – where are you? Please get yourself to your local NPR affiliate ASAP, ask for a mic, and remind everyone that you vote.
Until last Thursday, I hadn’t seen a single Democratic debate during the whole five year run-up to where we are now in the 2016 presidential race, so I was curious to see if Bernie Sanders and Hilary Clinton would be reasonably courteous and respectful of one another. Well let me just say this: after seeing the Republican debates, which have been so unbelievably civil (such as, for example, when Donald Trump openly admitted to loving his “friend” Ted Cruz’s book A Time for Truth – Reigniting the Promise of America while politely taking issue with a point or two in it), watching the two remaining Democratic candidates viciously snipe at each other and the press is just embarrassing for this country. Like when Bernie jerked his thumb toward Judy Woodruff and called her a “Dumb-Ass Ho” for asking for specifics on how he was going to pay for universal healthcare, and later said of Hilary, “Lookit that face! You wanna be looking at that face for the next four years?"
Madame Secretary was hardly any better. She must have said six or seven times “Notice the way Bernie keeps repeating, ‘And let me just say this’ every time he responds to me,” which prompted Sanders to wag a finger in the air until he was recognized and could respond. “Let me just say this,” he began. Hilary pounced, beaming into the camera and saying, “See!”
What a couple of clowns!
J'Biden Era Haikuage
People's Arms. That's right!
200 million shots
In 100 days
We are good people
But we still have far to go
Repair. Restore. Heal.
There's nothing new here
The Affordable Care Act
We're restoring it
Democracy is fragile
The world is watching
Strategy is based
On Science, not politics
Truth, not denial
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