PATRICK MCVAY

WRITER

My Musings

This text is currently hidden by a css change. Alow's me to go directly to the category description because it is editable in the front end,

My Tools

When I die, I’m going to leave a lot of tools behind, and I’m worried that you’re going to use them inappropriately and hurt yourself. Despite their colorful outer shells that draw you in for a closer look and beckon you to plug them in and give them a whirl, they aren’t toys. Several of them can easily cut off a limb, put out an eye, or burn you badly.

My guess is that this won’t dissuade my friends from engaging in a melee after my untimely demise. The tear-streaked faces of my wife and kids, still shocked that I’m no longer here on earth and pretty certain I’m not anywhere else either, watch in disbelief as you guys come waltzing into my basement with a twelve pack and start grabbing at my chop saw.

Then, during calling hours, a line forms leading up to the casket, where I can be found laid out with a weird smile on my face, thanks to the misguided work of a new, young undertaker. You utter a few polite remarks to my family and hope to move on, but find that the greeting line is backed up thanks to an octogenarian who has knelt to pray over my dead body and then can’t get back up onto his feet. It’s awkward to be standing there and not saying anything more than “He was a great guy. Really, great guy.” So eventually you blurt, “So, uh, how many battery packs does his impact driver have?”

My personal opinion is that the family should just put everything out on the sidewalk and see who takes what. Bar clamps, pipe clamps, drills, levels, hammers, wrenches, torches, anything that wasn’t put into my personal pyramid in case I need it for the afterlife is sitting out there for the taking.

Of course, no duct tape will be left for the taking, as that is going to be part of my afterlife “tool kit.” But don’t worry – they carry it at most hardware stores. 

Continue reading
  1034 Hits

 

 

Daily Haiku

 

Cats oft’ void their guts.

They cough out fur balls. They puke.  

We tread carefully.  

 

College Tuition

We dig ourselves a deep hole

Need a second job.

 

Now that I’m sixty

People think I’m a wise man

Probably, I’m not

 

I’m in my Fifties

But tomorrow I’m Sixty

Will need a sports car

 

My PCP Says

“Keep doin’ what yer doin’”

Prob’ly I should not

 

It’s St. Patrick’s Day

We eat beef that has been corned

Whatever that means

 

Robots and A.I.

I will make use of these soon

To do my taxes

 

Strange Oscar night end

Pacino failed to mention

Best pic nominees

 

Who’s this Katie Britt?

Scary. Wierd. We could have used

A Trigger Warning

 

Subscribe To The Blog

Produce This Audio Play!

Ever wanted to produce a radio play?  Think you have the mettle?  Read on!

Tag Cloud

Bill Monroe punk music seasons Reveillon Audubon Bar Brewing Them Kids Canada Diseases Radiohead Peter Paul and Mary Car Dealerships Eclipse Sports Psychology Yeast Hurricanes COVID Spoon the band Head injuries Bands I haven't seen My sisters People I know Stories I should write Biden Email Good Reads Cornhole star Advertising The Future War and Peace Boston Quebect Godfather Soviet Union Cats Skating Beer Work When I die Candy Tom Waits COVID-19 Scotch and Sirloin Royal Stuff My Parents Music Motorists Joan Jett College Roommates I've Had Big Shoes Food baseball Pats technology Canadiana Guns and Ammo gathering throngs Politics As Usual Imaginings Skiing Liz Phair Putin Communication Channels Short Fiction Stairs Religion Bikes Soul Coughing curling shoes Wind Reese's Peanut Butter Cups Brain Surgery Texting Climate Change Knots Chowder Vaughn Golf The Old Days Mustard high winds midwinter vacations Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde Masks tambourrine China Things I've done Cars Spice Girls coronavirus Syracuse My grandparents winter weather soapbox rantings Little League cornhole Ice Dancing US Senate Hache Verde Butterfingers the sea Ketchup Real Estate Coyotes Art the future Halloween Rabbit Hole Trump Elvis Presley The future Belgian Ales Barber Shops Existential Crisis nukes NPR vacation Accounting Earth Teeth Emergencies Smoke Meat Higher Education town square Bunker Ukraine Mom and Dad Eating and Drinking Martinis Mike Doughty 1980s Ticketmaster plan mid-winter vacations Audio Grass Skiing Christmas Bob Dylan The Past Bodysurfing Vaccines Sugarbush Dad advice Fiction Soccer TV afterlife My Estate Zoom Rock Bands Mass General Hospital Me Marketing Gimmicks Weather New England Bands I've Seen Plastic BB King Snow Guns Bicycles First World Problems Sports Hand Planes Red Sox Theater Peacekeeping Drumming Hot Air Balloon Soup Folk Music NFL acerbic high school principal Football Hawaii Europe Allergies Bands I've seen