PATRICK MCVAY

WRITER

Patty The Claw

The trial of reputed mob boss James "Whitey" Bulger gives me the idea of changing my persona by giving myself a genuine sounding mob name. I’ve no stomach to become an actual mobster who extorts money and kills people; I just want a nickname that sounds mobsteresque.

Within seconds, I discover several websites that will generate mobster names for me. Some offerings:

  • Little P
  • Chicago Patty
  • Patty Cola
  • Slim Patty Rat
  • Patty Nap
  • Patty the Knife
  • Big PM
  • Patty the Breeze
  • Patty the fixer
  • Bald Patty
  • Chicken Fried Alfredo (Huh?)
  • Antonio Siciliano (!!)

Clearly, these websites don’t know me. True, I had the moniker “rat” for a bit my freshman year of college, and have been known to fix this or that troublesome leaky pipe in my house, but I’m neither bald nor breezy, and I drink cola only when I find myself at kid birthday parties with no beer. What about my preference for lobster claws over tails?  In any event, I’m pretty sure I can identify names that better fit my persona. Consider:

  • Patty The Gut
  • Guiness Pat
  • Patty Artichokes
  • Patty Two-Wheels
  • Patty Chew
  • Patty Guzzle
  • Chubby Hummus McVay
  • Mister Nopublish
  • Patty the Sneeze
  • Big Daddy Four-Putts
  • Patty the Limp
  • Rioja Pat
  • Patty The Tankard

I’ll consider these and other possibilities today over an artichoke pizza and a couple glasses of Rioja, after shuffling through a round of bad golf and a tankard of Guinness at the 19th hole.

 

 

 

The Enchanting Wizard of Rhythm
Late Game
 

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Sunday, 26 September 2021

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