PATRICK MCVAY

WRITER

Heart And Soul

Everyone knows that David “Big Papi” Ortiz is the heart of the Boston Red Sox, and recent studies have proved what many people suspected for years: Dustin Pedroia is the soul of this team. Unbelievably, a lot of people still think that Ryan Lavarnway is the brains of the team because he went to Yale. Sorry, honor that belongs to Craig Breslow, another Eli, since Lavarnway isn’t even on the post-season roster (get with the program, people).

But here’s what I find really troubling: no one in the media is willing to discuss who the balls of this year’s team is. And that’s just sad. Just ask someone – anyone! (Right now. Go!) – “Who is the balls of the Red Sox?” and I’ll bet people will shoot you a glare or threaten to have you fired. I’ll save you the trouble: It’s not Jonny Gomes. The actual balls of the team is Shane Victorino, who keeps leaning into pitches so he can get hit. That’s “ballsy!” as my friends used to say in high school.

The team kidney used to be Manny Ramirez, obviously, what with his frequent visits into to the scoreboard area to relieve himself during games, but no one has shown me that they are the current team kidney. It’s OK to not have a kidney in the first round of the playoffs, but someone better step up soon or the team will be kidneyless for the ALCS, which could be problematic. Yes, other squads have won without a team kidney, but it doesn’t happen often.

Currently waiting for data compiled by local eateries on who the team stomach is.    

Bonehead
You And Me Against The World
 

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Sunday, 26 September 2021

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