PATRICK MCVAY

WRITER

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Schemeball

 

It seems to me that I should spend some of my ample free time creating a new professional sport. My sport will not have 9 innings, 4 quarters, or 3 periods, but rather 10 “segments”. We might call this new sport “Snacky” or “Snack-ball” or something like this such that each segment can be easily sponsored by a snack cracker. Established sports are currently failing to capitalize on such synergies (when does baseball ever advertise for bases, or football advertise for feet?). I’m considering other sports options: Insurance Ball; Credit Card with Fraud Protection Derby; Previously-Owned Car Hoop.

Here’s how the game works: the team on offense will huddle together while we, the spectators, use our smart phones to vote on which producer of insipid beer has bombarded us with the most appealing advertisement in the last five minutes. While an accounting agency tabulates the results, we’ll be treated to informative environmental PSAs from friendly energy conglomerates. The offense will break from the huddle. End of segment one.

The rest of the sport follows this pattern.

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Old Records

 

There will come a day when time travel becomes possible, and when it does I wonder what will happen to baseball records. Will it become a national mission to have banks of computers review every last detail of each pitch and play in the field to determine whether or not balls and strikes from yesteryear were accurate, whether a particular play at second resulted in a stolen base or an out, and then reevaluating games, seasons, and championships based on this information plus sophisticated time-travel algorithms?

Good question. It will depend whether one is able to bring technology from present day to bear in the time-travel past.

What else is on your mind today?

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I Don't Know Everything: More Evidence

 

The sound of water, which just moments ago had been sitting in a toilet in someone else’s unit above, cascading down a pipe in the middle of your living room is, it seems to me, something wondrous. Which is to say it makes me wonder:

  • About what is passing just feet from where I stand;
  • About who the person is who just sent his/her waste down a tube through the condo I am renting;
  • About toilets in general, and who invented septic systems. Can we just assume it was Mr. Septic and be done with it?

OK, fine, I'll consult textbooks covering the history of septic and get back to all you banks of computers in China.

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Boston Considers Banning Hazmat Costumes

 

This is not an actual newspaper headline, but it will be when I’m mayor. You laugh and think, “Mayor? Yeah, right! Dude, you’re gonna be freakin’ President.”

What, you think I don’t know that? For crying out loud I’m reading the same voter data tables you are! (And isn’t it a great country where you can get voter data tables delivered every morning with your eggs? Try that in China.)

The truth is this: after my stint as President of the United States of America, I’m going to continue my extraordinary run in public service in smaller ways, such as by running a medium-sized US city. This will keep me in the news and allow me to express my dismay for Halloween costumes that exceed the frontiers of good taste and/or put the public’s safety at risk.

Wondering if it’s too late to announce my candidacy for Governor of Massachusetts under the Stop Ebola Now Party.

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Produce This Audio Play!

Ever wanted to produce a radio play?  Think you have the mettle?  Read on!